I am aware that those who read this paper come to it from a
variety of life situations. I guess, many will themselves be married, going out
with, or considering going out with non-Christians. You may never before have
even considered whether the bible has anything to say on such matters. Well, I
am so pleased that you are reading, and want to encourage you to read right
through to the end. Some of what God has to say on this issue is pretty frank,
but as you read on, you will come to see that if you are a Christian, this
frankness only proves God's great love for you because it stems from his
concern for your wellbeing.
What does the bible have to
say on this?
It is clear within scripture
that God views the marriage of one of his people with one who is not, as sin.
It is perhaps demonstrated initially by Abraham's concern to seek only one of
his own people as a wife for Isaac, just as Isaac later sought one of his own
for Jacob (Gen 24:1-4). The first clear prohibition however comes in
Deuteronomy 7:1-4, where God says about the nations that Israel would disposes
as they are established in Canaan:
"3 Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons, 4 for they will turn your sons away from following me to serve other gods, and the LORD's anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you."
Again, in Joshua 23:12-13, the
LORD says:
"12 But if you turn away and ally yourselves with the survivors of these nations that remain among you and if you intermarry with them and associate with them, 13 then you may be sure that the LORD your God will no longer drive out these nations before you. Instead, they will become snares and traps for you, whips on your backs and thorns in your eyes, until you perish from this good land, which the LORD your God has given you."
In short, the LORD forbid
Israelites from marrying non-Israelites on the grounds that such relationships
would lead them into sin and away from God - whether this be to follow another
religion, or as is so often the case today, simply to ignore him and live
instead for their own desires. The consequences of such marriages are most
famously exemplified in the life of Solomon who was led astray by his foreign
wives (1 Kgs 11:1-6). The seriousness of such marriages is emphasised by
Nehemiah who described them as unfaithfulness to God and tore the hair out of
the Israelite men when he found that they had married foreign women (Neh
13:23-27). Indeed, as with the passages quoted above, Ezra also sees mixed
marriages as a matter warranting God's judgement (Ezra 9:13-15).
In the NT, 1 Corinthians 7:39
is the passage which deals specifically with the issue.
"A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes only in the Lord."
Here, Paul is talking
specifically about a widow, and one might ask why in talking of first marriages
earlier in the passage he didn't make this specification. The answer is
probably (a) that it was assumed - the weight of the above OT stress on not
intermarrying would strongly suggest this, and/or (b) because many of the
widows were first married to unbelievers (having been converted when already
married) and therefore greatly in need of this prohibition the second time
round. 2 Cor 6:14-18 is also often cited. However, although it probably applies
in principle, it doesn't in specifics. The context seems to suggest involvement
in unbelieving sinful practices in general (cf. 2 Cor 7:1).
The requirement that believers
marry only believers, is therefore one that runs right through scripture. Yet
there are differences between the OT and the NT, the most important being that
Paul doesn't advocate separation from unbelieving spouses as Ezra did.
Why does God prohibit marrying non-Christians?
Various reasons could be given.
The primary one is that God is concerned that we glorify him by living lives of
wholehearted devotion and godliness – something those married to non-Christians
find incredibly difficult. For our purposes however, it is worth considering
that one reason that God prohibits our marrying non-Christians is out of a
concern for our happiness! This may seem to be at odds with him not allowing
you to marry someone you may well love, but it is true nevertheless. You see,
God's concern for your happiness refers to your ultimate happiness, which often
comes only through hardship and which is intrinsically linked to your
relationship with him, not the more short-term happiness we tend to fix our
eyes on.
First, God is concerned for
your eternal happiness, ie. your salvation. The primary reason that the OT
warns against mixed marriages is because they lead people away from the Lord.
As seem, this was particularly exemplified in the life of Solomon. And if he -
a man far wiser than most of us - was led astray, are we not all the more
likely to be? Time and again I have seen people marry or start to go out with
non-Christians convinced that actually they will win them for the Lord. Yet
time and again it has been the Christian who has begun going to church less and
less, before ceasing to go at all and then even hardening their heart against
Christ. God knows far better than us how unable we are in coping with such
relationships, and forbids them for this reason. Indeed, we need to treat them
with the same seriousness. Just as unfaithfulness in this area led to judgement
in the OT, so, where it may eventually bring someone to turn their back on
Christ today, it can only lead to the horrors of final judgement and hell.
Surely no-one in their right mind would dabble with something that could have
such consequences. As to the argument that the partner might be converted -
Paul explicitly writes; "How do you know, wife, whether you will save your
husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?"
(1 Cor 7:16). Of course, there are some instances when by God's grace the
non-Christian spouse or partner of a believer does become a Christian. But this
is certainly not the norm, and might have come about far sooner if the believer
had shown their non-Christian friend the nature of total commitment to Christ
by refusing to go out with them in the first place.
Second, God is concerned for
your temporal happiness, ie. your happiness in the here and now. Again, you may
well argue that you will only be truly happy if you are married to the
non-Christian you love. But again, God knows better:
Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships, and this kind
of intimacy is based on being able to share everything with one-another. What
kind of marriage will it be then if you cannot share what is most important to
you - your relationship with Jesus - with your spouse? Imagine a marriage where
your spouse never met any of your family, and you were therefore not able to
talk together about them. Well how much worse would your marriage be if your
spouse had never met your God and so you were not able to talk in a mutual way
about him, let alone pray together to him.
You may well think that your non-Christian partner will be very
supportive of your faith, but it is a lot to ask of him/her to not mind your
being absent once or twice on Sundays and once or twice mid-week. It is even
more to ask them to run with how you think your children should be brought up -
ie. as Christians. Paul writes: "An unmarried man is concerned about the
Lord's affairs - how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned
about the affairs of this world - how he can please his wife - and his
interests are divided (1 Cor 7:32-33)." Now if Paul writes this about
Christian marriage, how much more of an impact will mixed marriages have on
your concerns and so your faith? At the very least, marrying a non-Christian
will keep you from ever fully devoting yourself to the Lord, so always hindering
your Christian growth - a price not worth paying. It may also mean a constant
battle over being able to attend church that will cause your spouse to resent
Christianity rather than consider becoming a Christian. Such a marriage is
therefore not particularly fair on the non-Christian spouse either.
Marriage is at times extremely difficult, and the best marriages
rely on recognising the roles God has given the man and woman in marriage
together with a constant expressing of selflessness and forgiveness by both
parties. Now the Christian is moved to act in this way because they are seeking
to submit to the bible and are filled with the Holy Spirit who enables them to
overcome sin and live in godliness. However, the non-Christian neither wants to
submit to the bible, nor even has the ability by the Holy Spirit to do so (Rom
8:6-7). A mixed marriage can only therefore fall short of marriage as God
intends it.
If you make a bad decision on who you marry, there is no way out.
Contrary to the contemporary acceptance of easy divorce, the bible only allows
divorce where sexual unfaithfulness ie. adultery has occurred (Matt 19:1-9), or
possibly where - where mixed marriages have occurred - an unbelieving spouse
deserts a believing one (1 Cor 7:15). If as a Christian, you find yourself in
an unhappy marriage, you are therefore bound to remain in it, fulfilling your
duties to your partner faithfully, regardless of whether they appreciate it or
not, and even if they treat you appallingly in return (1 Pet 3:1-7). It is of
course difficult for you to see any potential problems as you look at the
possibility of marriage, but don't be naive, problems will come. They come in
Christian marriages, and for the reasons given above are even more likely in
mixed marriages; and in these in particular there is likely to be a reluctance
on the part of the non-Christian to visit you vicar/pastor to seek help.
God knows how hard marriage is, and you need to trust what he
requires of you in choosing a partner. Indeed, if you have failed to recognise
the need of being married to a committed Christian having read this far, then
you are failing to grasp how pervasive and destructive sin is and the real
difference the Holy Spirit makes to Christian marriage. God's intention is that
any marriage you enter is to be a source of joy and blessing to you and your
children (Gen 2:19-25, Mal 2:15). So, I urge you in Christ Jesus, don't bind
yourself to a life that may possibly be filled with this kind of tension and
grief and that has the potential even for destroying your relationship with
God.
Third, God is concerned for the eternal and temporal happiness of
others:
Here children come immediately to mind. Christian marriage is a
means God often uses for extending his kingdom as children are raised in the
faith (Mal 2:15). Yet properly raising children is almost impossible in a mixed
marriage, especially where one parent may be antagonistic. Moreover, a marriage
that is more likely to suffer conflict is one more likely to bring incredible
heartache to any kids.
Your marriage will also have an impact on those of your own age.
Imagine that you could be sure that marrying a non-Christian would in no way be
detrimental to your happiness, or that of your children. Even then it would be
detrimental to that of others. Wouldn't it make your Christian friends think
that marrying a non-Christian would be as problem-free for them? They would
then be more likely to sin in the same way, and suffer any number of the
problems listed above. There will always be some who can testify to having had
a very happy marriage to a non-Christian, that hasn't hindered their faith at
all, and that eventually saw their spouse converted. But this doesn't alter the
fact that this does not generally occur and so is unlikely to happen for you,
nor does it alter the fact that entering even such a marriage is still sin,
because God forbids it. And one reason he does so, is because even the best
mixed marriages encourage others to act likewise to their own harm. God's laws
are for the good of the many as well as the few.
What if I am already married to a non-Christian?
Paul's comments in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 are worth quoting here in
full:
"If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?"Whatever the rights or wrongs of how you have found yourself in a mixed marriage, you need to recognise that once it has been entered it is a legitimate marriage, and it is God's will that you remain in it, committing yourself fully as a husband to serving your wife, or as a wife to submitting to your husband (1 Pet 3:1-7). Being "sanctified" here doesn't mean that the non-Christian spouse is saved, but that they are in some way set-apart by God from others, probably with respect to his purposes for your children. Of course, if you are in a mixed marriage because you married a non-Christian when you were yourself a Christian, then you will also need to confess your sin in doing so to God, asking his forgiveness for your mistake and his help for you to make the best of the marriage you now find yourself in.
What if I am going out with a non-Christian?
Hopefully, by now you will know what you need to do, and want to
do it. 'Going-out' is not a biblical concept, but the nature of going out
should mean that it would only be appropriate to go out with someone that you
might possibly marry. As a non-Christian is not a possibility for marriage,
then it would be wrong to go out with them. Furthermore, for the same reasons
listed above for marriage, it would be detrimental to your faith, and unfair to
the non-Christian to go out with them (not least because their expectations of
what might be sexually permissible when you are going out should be very
different from yours). Indeed, the more serious the relationship gets, the more
detrimental and unfair. You may reason that if your boyfriend/girlfriend is not
converted by the time you consider marriage then you will finish it, but by
that time you will be deeply in love with them. To finish with them will then
be near impossible. At the very least, it will cause great pain to the one who
has been led on in the hope of marriage and then dumped. Most importantly
however, this argument is invalid because the reasons that God prohibits
marrying non-Christians stand for going out with non-Christians too, the going out
itself is therefore unfaithfulness to God, not just any eventual marriage.
Hard as it probably is to hear, you will therefore need to finish
with your partner if they are not a Christian, asking God's forgiveness for not
considering his will on this matter before, and for his help to be strong as
you seek to be faithful to him. Acting in this way is obviously very difficult,
especially if you have been going out for a while and are in love. Your
friends, and perhaps your family (especially if your partner is seen as a good
catch), may well not understand. However, faithfulness to God is often
extremely tough, just as it was for Jesus himself, and it is he who requires us
to "deny ourselves and take up our cross daily…for whoever want to save
his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel
will save it (Mark 8:34-35)." Of course, your witness to you partner in
displaying your commitment to Christ by splitting up with them may be a means
by which the Lord brings them to consider and accept Christ for themselves.
However, you cannot know this, but must be faithful to God nevertheless,
trusting him for the future, and trusting that he knows best for your life. If
you are in this situation, do make sure you speak to your vicar/pastor or
youth-leader so that they can offer you the support you need.
What if I am engaged to a non-Christian?
This is a more uncertain category to my mind. In NT times the
commitment of a betrothal was seen as so equivalent to the anticipated
commitment of marriage (although without the actual leaving, cleaving, and
sexual union) that to break it off because of sexual unfaithfulness was
described as divorce (Matt 1:19). In such a culture, it would therefore seem
that the commitment of an engagement should be kept, even if it was entered
into wrongly between a Christian and non-Christian. However, in our culture,
the breaking off of engagements isn't viewed so seriously in their early days,
but is more so as the wedding draws closer. It would therefore seem sensible to
say that you should break the engagement off if at all possible, but if it has
progressed to the point that the key preparations for the wedding have been
made, because this suggests the seriousness of the engagement, the point of no
return has perhaps been reached and the marriage may be carried out. In such
circumstances however, you should speak to your vicar/pastor and your family if
they are Christians, as there may be a way out of the engagement nevertheless.
Whatever the case, the Christian should seek God's forgiveness for committing
themselves to such a marriage in the first place, and his help for them if they
do enter it.
Conclusion
Much of the above arguments have played somewhat on our own often
self-centred concerns for happiness, in order to show the loving wisdom of
God's requirements on the matter. However, it is worth adding that our
faithfulness to God here, does not depend on whether we agree with God's
wisdom, nor whether it feels like the happiest option. Rather, it depends on
the fact that God makes clear in scripture that to marry an unbeliever is a
sin. Furthermore, we must remind ourselves again that although God is concerned
for our happiness, as Christians our greatest motivations should be God's glory
(ie. that he is honoured) and the good of others. As Jesus said, quoting the
OT: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul
and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the
second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself (Matt 22:37-39).'" We
should therefore obey God on this matter first because we love him, and so
prioritise his will and pleasure above even our own desires, and second,
because we love others, and know that faithfulness will be for the good of any
children we may one day have, our Christian friends, and possibly even the
non-Christian we may be considering a relationship with!
Now, as in all areas of obedience, faithfulness in choosing who we
marry requires faith, and faith entails enduring hardship (read Hebrews 11).
Depending on your own situation, the hardship you might face in obeying God on
this particular matter could be that of heartbreak, embarrassment, the
possibility of singleness, anger from your partner, or ridicule from family and
friends - some of whom may even be Christians. As you face these, it is worth
remembering that Christ also suffered them all in some way, and he did so
because he first trusted God, come what may. It is this trust in the face of
difficulty that he now calls you to exercise too, if you claim to follow him.
Paul writes: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.
And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.
But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand
up under it (1 Cor 10:13)." God has made clear that as a Christian you do
have the resources and the means to be faithful on this matter, and so my
prayer is that you would do just that - for the sake of God's glory, for the
sake of the good of others, yet also for the sake of your own good.